I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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