I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
sarcasm needs its own font
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
