Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
