his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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