A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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