i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
