She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
