There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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