when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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