I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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