i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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