Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize
