I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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