Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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