sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
People with herpes should wear stickers.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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