Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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