you traded sex for a burrito?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
