I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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