Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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