i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!