I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
