I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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