I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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