i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
