no, he came in my armpit
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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