I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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