The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
