i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I can't turn off my feet"
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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