these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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