you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
