he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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