Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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