I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
