brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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