Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
