Betty ford says i'm here all night
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
