the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
