dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
