There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
