I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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