Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
