So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
