Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I am midnight drunk by noon
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
