My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
