remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
