When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
