She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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