Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I haven't been this sober since birth.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
