dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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