new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
