I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
