So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
